As women we so often ask other people what they think about the things we make, how we look in a certain piece of clothes, what we should or shouldn’t do, and by doing that we’re actually giving away our power to them. We are also giving them permission to judge us. Maybe we don’t realize this and think that we’re just being friendly or polite and that you should ask for other people’s opinions if you’re well-behaved. Or maybe the problem goes deeper than that and is about us not trusting ourselves. And in the end it produces the same result. We confirm our self-doubts and invite others to decide whether we’re good enough or not.
This doesn’t happen over night. This is how we are brought up. From a very early age women get used to mirroring themselves in other people instead of looking inside for answers and confirmation. We learn to think that other people know better and that they actually are better judges than us. We learn to question our perception of ourselves and other people and we get hardwired to think less of ourselves and more of other people. We learn to look down on our own achievements and perceive other people’s achievements as larger and more important. We get used to thinking that what we do is easy and therefore not worth as much as what others do.
So is it any wonder that we feel judged when we actually are encouraging people to judge us? Every time you ask for someone’s opinion you open the door to judgement. If you don’t want to be judge – don’t ask! And if you’re sensitive to criticism and afraid that you’re not good enough – don’t ask! It’s actually a very simple rule that could change your life right now: to stop asking for other people’s opinions as long as you feel vulnerable.
Only ask what other people think of your creations when you don’t need approval and you won’t start questioning yourself if they’re being critical. Keep your hands off Pandora’s box! And I want you to go even further than that – don’t show your creations to other people. Not until you’re ready for it. Once you care more about your own opinion than someone else’s, you can start asking, but until then – keep your art work to yourself and to people you trust. That will give you the space you need to build up your self-esteem.
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This will provide you with a non-judgmental, safe space to grow your confidence muscles!
I love this. I once wrote a paper about leadership for freedom being when one notes only one’s own opportunity for learning greater efficiency (aka ease of motion). Never others’. And so the consultation is always inward, and the conversation about gaps/openings/shortcoming is only ever in reference to oneself. Your post opens my inquiry into others’ stories+- rather than their advice. Off to the movies now, incomparable Creative you.
Thank you so much for your comment, Rita! That sounds like a great idea for leadership and I like the idea of having that kind of internal dialogue with oneself, as long as it’s not too critical… We can be such harsh critics of ourselves! We need to treat ourselves with more love and compassion than criticism. I’m so happy to hear that I have inspired you to listen to other people’s stories rather than their advice. Hope you had a lovely movie night!
Beautiful. Well said!
Thank you so much, Hanna-Lee! I’m so glad you liked it.
This is beautiful, Sara! ❤️ I love your suggestion of creating a safe space for ourselves, where we get play and create, before we go out and show other people our creations or ask for their opinion! I agree, that our own opinion should matter more to us, than that of anyone else around us! Beautiful! ❤️
Thank you so much, Iryna! Yes, I think that we tend to forget very easily that we are the centre of our own life… It’s so easy to think that other people have all the answers and that we are obligated to show all that we make – as if it weren’t worth anything if we ourselves were the only spectator. But I think we spend way too little time doing things just to please ourselves and we spend too little time on our own! Children never play to please someone else – they only do it because they enjoy it. This is how we should treat our own creativity – to indulge in it just for the fun of it!!